Sin and Faith
It's a terrible thing when you're faced with your own sin. And when you're a perfectionist like I am, there's an insatiable need to fix the problem immediately. Which isn't really possible. Which makes the feeling worse. And one wonders how to step out of the spiral of unworthiness.
Tonight I behaved badly on several occasions. No, these errors in judgment are not acquittable offenses and I'm in no danger of being arrested. However, they combine previous patterns of behavior with a definite shift in attitude that I have noticed over the past months.
Considering some of the radical changes I've faced in my life since I graduated from Duke, it will come as no surprise when I admit that I've experienced a bit of a crisis of faith since I got to England. As I pointed out to folks at Wesley when I was home on holiday, when those familiar things of faith (hymns, liturgies, etc) , those things you depended upon to facilitate divine worship, when they are removed from the scene, it's almost like starting over from scratch. I have to search a little bit harder to find that connection with God. It's largely a good thing to experience, but not at all easy to say the least.
In making all of these adjustments--spiritual, cultural, ecclesial, etc--I have found myself to be completely self-absorbed. I have lost my deep sense of caring and awareness of other people. That's not to say that I have stopped caring for people or anything like that, but my desire for self-preservation has completely trumped any thoughts I might have had for others. I've lost my passion for social justice. Yes, I can still spout the political stuff and speak passionately about those issues--but I don't feel it in my soul anymore. And here I am on the other side of my first year and I'm disgusted with who I've become.
I've always compared myself to others--we all do it. But that comparison of late has become one of 'how am I better than that person'. And it's awful. It's not Christian. Yes, I can see vestigaes of this sort of thought and behavior in my past...but for some reason it's all come to light tonight. Thanks be to God, I guess.
I find myself asking God--'so, how does this whole forgiveness thing work?' This is a major attitude shift that's going to take a while to make. I want to look for the best in people (which isn't a natural inclination of mine, unlike some people who seem to come by this trait naturally). I want to stop judging people and comparing myself to them. This entails, in part, accepting myself as a child of God--perfectly acceptable in my own right without having to be better or worse than anybody else. I want to regain my passion for others. But I don't think that's going to completely come until I can reclaim some of the faith I seem to have lost somewhere over the Atlantic.
So prayers are appreciated. Don't know if any of this makes any sense. Feels like one long ramble. Don't even know if I should be publishing this...but call it a lesson in vulnerability.
More on the wedding soon (which went really well), I promise.
Tonight I behaved badly on several occasions. No, these errors in judgment are not acquittable offenses and I'm in no danger of being arrested. However, they combine previous patterns of behavior with a definite shift in attitude that I have noticed over the past months.
Considering some of the radical changes I've faced in my life since I graduated from Duke, it will come as no surprise when I admit that I've experienced a bit of a crisis of faith since I got to England. As I pointed out to folks at Wesley when I was home on holiday, when those familiar things of faith (hymns, liturgies, etc) , those things you depended upon to facilitate divine worship, when they are removed from the scene, it's almost like starting over from scratch. I have to search a little bit harder to find that connection with God. It's largely a good thing to experience, but not at all easy to say the least.
In making all of these adjustments--spiritual, cultural, ecclesial, etc--I have found myself to be completely self-absorbed. I have lost my deep sense of caring and awareness of other people. That's not to say that I have stopped caring for people or anything like that, but my desire for self-preservation has completely trumped any thoughts I might have had for others. I've lost my passion for social justice. Yes, I can still spout the political stuff and speak passionately about those issues--but I don't feel it in my soul anymore. And here I am on the other side of my first year and I'm disgusted with who I've become.
I've always compared myself to others--we all do it. But that comparison of late has become one of 'how am I better than that person'. And it's awful. It's not Christian. Yes, I can see vestigaes of this sort of thought and behavior in my past...but for some reason it's all come to light tonight. Thanks be to God, I guess.
I find myself asking God--'so, how does this whole forgiveness thing work?' This is a major attitude shift that's going to take a while to make. I want to look for the best in people (which isn't a natural inclination of mine, unlike some people who seem to come by this trait naturally). I want to stop judging people and comparing myself to them. This entails, in part, accepting myself as a child of God--perfectly acceptable in my own right without having to be better or worse than anybody else. I want to regain my passion for others. But I don't think that's going to completely come until I can reclaim some of the faith I seem to have lost somewhere over the Atlantic.
So prayers are appreciated. Don't know if any of this makes any sense. Feels like one long ramble. Don't even know if I should be publishing this...but call it a lesson in vulnerability.
More on the wedding soon (which went really well), I promise.
posted by RevSarah at 1:06 AM
2 Comments:
Believe me when I say that I have praying for you for a long time.
You're in my prayers Sarah. I know it's got to be hard for you, but I really admire the leap of faith you've taken, geographical, liturgical, and otherwise. I think it's good you shared your experience. Ministry a mix of valleys and peaks and a lot of the in between. So hang in there, things will change.
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